For the love of mum...

"If I should die, think only this of me;

That there's some corner of a foreign field

That is for ever England.

There shall be in that rich earth a richer dust concealed;

A dust whom England bore, shaped, made aware,

Gave, once, her flowers to love, her ways to roam,

A body of England's breathing English air,

Washed by the rivers, blest by suns of home.

And think, this heart, all evil shed away,

A pulse in the eternal mind, no less

Gives somewhere back the thoughts by England given;

Her sights and sounds; dreams happy as her day;

And laughter, learnt of friends; and gentleness,

In hearts at peace, under an English heaven.

Rupert Brooke."

New Heart

Crushed and broken, a heart floating in time. Seeking through and through, a rush of emotion as life blurs in my eyes. The realization that my own hurt might cause pain in another. Hurt colliding with hurt makes no easy path and is often as difficult as walking on broken glass. Every word, every thought, every motive of the heart becomes delicate and careful. As I tread lightly I hold onto hope quietly - I cling to the Lord. My fingers grasp for the hem of His robe. I see now, I am so needy. I am in need of Him. I silence myself because everything I have said and done seems to make the situation worse. The enemy keeps pressing in and the pressure lays over me like a heavy fog. I am at the point where I can do the only thing I know how to do. I lay myself down and beg for victory. I am done hurting over this. I am done hurting you over this and I am ready to move forward. I pray today that the Lord would change me quickly for the current me is crashing and I am in need of a new heart. Come now Lord and make this heart of mine new, make it look like You. I am walking into tomorrow by forgiveness and by mercy.

This too, a dance...

4:10 am. I lift my heavy limbs and free myself from the tangle of sheets and blankets. Eyelids heavy, but heart floating. You dance within my heart. Cold tile against my little feet, awaking, treading gently until I feel the toes press into carpet, hand sliding against the wall searching for light...mirroring heart likewise, searching for light. Passing knees my face presses into the carpet, heart laid low, rough against tip of nose and chin, scraping against forehead...I lay my mind low, humble my spirit, pressing flesh away and driving forward. I taste the air and draw in breath to carry whispered prayers. May they reach Your heart and may You alone be blessed and honored God, my Lord, my Savior.
I drive forward, onward and several moments later I awaken to the awareness of soft fur against the skin of my right arm. Sweet pup drawn near, curled up against me, taking in my sweet prayers, and peacefully witnessing these words drifting toward the foot of Your throne. She may not understand the words, but she rests gently in the peace of this quiet morning drawn near. I pull myself closer to You Lord with heart intent, listening, opening; I do not understand Your ways and I am not thrown by the power of Your presence this morning but instead rest in the power of Your peace. Be attentive to this heart that rests in You, longing for You, yearning for Your spirit. Quiet, still before you. And where stillness prevails this too becomes part of our dance and Lord, You dance within my heart.

"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body." Philippians 3:20-21

I want so much to lay myself low and to love like You do God. How can I understand the mystery of your ways. I will discipline myself so that I might too share in Your suffering and thus truly live in Your joy. You will complete this good work in me and this body will be transformed. I too will count it all as loss compared with surpassing greatness of knowing You as my Lord and Savior.

Tabernacle

In my tabernacle there is peace...undeniably so. I need not worry for the work has already been done when I am in my tabernacle. Because, you see, a tabernacle is an immovable dwelling place where I find safety. It is a place that cannot be destroyed because it is a declaration of victory, a battle that has already been won. In my tabernacle there is warmth and I am surrounded. I wake up early for this, and it is the only thing worthy of this early morning hour, for when I come to this place my soul melts and I am, I am who I was made to be, I am renewed in strength and empowered to press onward. You can't steal this from me because my tabernacle is immovable, and my tabernacle is immovable because my God is Almighty, a mighty conquerer, a Savior, a King, a Father, and a great sweeping LOVE. I am His beloved because He first called me beloved. In my tabernacle I find intimacy and my soul is touched so deeply. What could I give to go deeper. Take me deeper. May I know every measure...may I find more...

"My beloved, I am your Father. When you put your hope in me you will never be disappointed. Not one of all the good promises I have given you will fail. I am the maker of heaven and earth, the seas and everything in them. My love is greater than you can imagine and I will always be faithful to you. You should take note that I am not a man, not like your earthly father, I do not lie nor change my mind. Have I ever spoken anything that did not come to pass? Have I ever made a promise and not keep it? No, never. This is very important for you to grasp. I have confirmed my promises to you with an oath. I did this so that when you take hold of the hope that I have offered you, you will be greatly encouraged because it is impossible for me to lie. So take hope and hold it tightly. I will never take my love from you, nor will I ever betray my faithfulness. I will not violate my covenant or alter what my lips have uttered. I am watching to see that my word is fulfilled, for I am your Father." Maranatha Numbers 23:19 reading

This Great Lake

It's not about how much I read. It's not about how early I get up. It's not about how quickly my lunch break goes by. It's about choosing to favor You over the long list of things to do, the perilous thoughts that plague me with anxiety. It's about slowing down and choosing rather than floating through my day watching things happen, wishing I knew I was doing, saying, being the right thing every moment of each day. So I want to commit to choosing You throughout my day, more than before, much more than before.

I've been walking around this great lake that is You, admiring the ripples and the way the sunlight reflects and how things change at this great lake day after day, throughout the day, moment by moment. And yet that great lake that is You remains ever unchanged. Well I have been at this lake for quite some time now. I have explored the surrounding vegetation, sat on the rough rocks that line the shores, watched the rain dampen the sandy beaches. I've walked around the lake and tasted the air and even taken pictures. I looked into the distance and saw the distant mountain tops and the rows and clusters of pines, but this lake is where I belong. This lake that is You is my eternal home and I know this because I am not drawn anywhere else but here. It is the only place I find pleasure and joy. The only position of peace. You keep me here. But yesterday I awoke and satisfaction had left me, and today I asked You about that and You showed me that in my exploration of this great lake I had done all but one great thing. Well God, I know now, that it is time, time to go beneath the surface, where some men may never go, afraid of what they may find. I am choosing to abandon this rock I am sitting on and I don't want to just dip my toes, I want to fall gracefully into this lake, this great lake that is You. I want to sink down and swim around. I want to know the depths and the life and the way it feels when you are engulfed. How the cool water passes over your skin and soaks you through and through and I want to know all the things I never knew, things that matter to You.

Lord, may I sit before you in silence and fall head first into the depths of Your great soul, Your great spirit, Your great LOVE. Leave me ever changed so that I can never be what I have been. Soak me through and through in all of You.

Live By The Sword

Sometimes you stop and take a moment to breathe. The world whirls around you and you realize you've forgotten what your clothes feel like against your skin and how you never noticed the texture of the chair you're sitting on as it rests against the back of your legs. You notice that you have walked and walked and your legs grew tired and at some point you must have given up on walking because you see that you're still moving forward, but the ache is gone. And you start to wonder what it is that continues to propel you forward and at that point you begin to realize the hands around you... the same hands you knew were there years before as a child resting in your bed without a care in the world; these hands that comfort you as you melt against them. And then you start to think about how your life is different now... how there are places to be and decisions to make, how it's difficult to get a good nights rest more often than not, and how much pressure you sometimes feel. But right now your thoughts turn back to the hands that hold you and all you know is peace... perfect peace. Your heart pulses within you and nothing else matters because you are carried by the hands of a Savior who paid the utmost price so that you might have this moment of perfect peace. And as you realize this hot, wet tears race down your cheeks and along the bridge of your nose. But they are sweet tears like angel kisses - tears of redemption. You know you could never love yourself the way that He loves you. Oh, how He loves you...

"I don't see why I don't see what bothers me

And I don't know why I don't know what won't let me go

I should have listened to myself when I had it down

This dose of my own medicine is too big to swallow now

This is the time when I find what's inside of me

This is the time when I decide what I believe

If I want to be real in this world

Then I have to realize

If I am going to live by the sword

I'm gonna have to die by the sword

It's easy to be calm when there's no crashing tide

It's easy to be quiet when it's loud outside

It's easy to be humble when you're glorified

But now I'm out here on my own and screaming from inside

This is the time when I find what's inside of me

This is the time when I decide what I believe...

Lord, I need your loving arms to carry me

When I look in the mirror and don't like what I see

I know you know what I desire to do

So help me follow even when it's not easy to

If I want to be real in this world

Then I have to realize

If I'm gonna live by the sword

Then I'm gonna have to die by the sword..."

Jill Phillips - Live By The Sword

Midnight Prayer

Tonight my heart is open. Music plays within my soul and life flows through my veins. My ears are filled with joyous sounds and my heart beats faithfully. I'm alive, I'm free, and I'm here now. There is peace resting here right this moment and it embraces me with vapored arms that come from all directions, holding and reassuring. Sleep falls far from me but perseverance is beside me, a friend in suffering and in victory. There is no real way to sum up the way I am feeling. I could be delirious but instead I am intrigued, attentive, rested...distracted but focused, committed but weaving in and out from one thought to another. I am assured it won't always be like this. There are sleepless nights, but they are never the same. Sometimes they lay over us like heavy blankets, other times they drift lightly. Tonight is sweet because I know your presence is here with me in the sweet rush and the savory stillness. Let me be an instrument of your peace...where there is injury and heartache let it be filled with love. My prayer is for understanding, a heart that beats to the rhythm of yours, a body that is never cold but alive, a burning fragrance. In days to come I pray for strength and viscosity in spirit. I want to be surrounded and stuck right in the middle of your will. Melt over me and through me like hot, gooey fudge, sweet to taste. Deliver me...deliver me safely into dawn and onto dusk. Lord you are good, so very good. Thank you for this open heart and the sweet melodies, which carry me through the night. Thank you.